S1E1 -Into Canada

Fatal error he made in 1967. Many without food, water, and medical supplies. People and local officials who live in the area have been critical of what they see as a— Israel should have refrained from conducting any activities on Israeli— Many dead bodies in New Orleans, in the water, or in buildings. But the head of the American Public Health Association— It was a different kind of war. No armies came to our shores. Our military was not the principal target. There was a plane crash in Canada. There was an experimental biological weapon on board that turned people into zombies.

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first episode of Almost Better Than Dragons, a new podcast sort of a spin-off from Almost Bitter Than Silence. If you haven't seen that, go check it out. I'm joined today by our fantastic DM AJ. AJ, say hello.

Hey guys, what's up?

I'm here with Dubs. I'm here with Doug. I'm here with Bren. Did I forget anybody? I don't think I forgot anybody.

Oh, that's it.

All right, and so this time we're gonna be playing some, like I said, some Dungeons& Dragons. AJ is our DM, and so AJ, why don't you tell us a little bit about what the viewers can expect?

All right guys, what we're gonna do is we're gonna be doing a game using the D20 Modern format, which is a format of 3.5 Using like that whole architecture. So all of our characters are pretty much normal people. It's a— this is just a normal world. And I'll give a little bit of a preface to the, to the story, I guess. All of our characters today know about an event that occurred 7 years ago, actually. There was a plane crash in Canada that was little reported at first, but after about a year, year and a half, it came to light more. There was actually an experimental biological weapon on board that, um, that turned people into what they called zombies, uh, which it's literally almost the literal definition of a zombie. So like the walking dead, basically.

Or the Strolling Corpses, so we don't get copyright infringement.

Yeah, we'll call them the Strolling— we'll call them the Strolling Corpses.

Yeah, if we ever make a band, I think that's the name.

That's metal as fuck. Alright, and, um, I guess we'll, uh— so all of the characters know about this event, and, uh, it led to the US government nuking a small town in Canada. Sorry, all of our friends from Prince George, but your town was blown up 7 years ago.

Bone made it. She's our only Canadian listener.

She probably, she probably did. She seems resourceful. She's a strong girl. Yeah, she's, she's hardy. Let's go, let's cut to the chase with characters here. Everyone introduce your characters. Um, we'll start with Matt.

Okay, so my character's name is Reverend W. Wig. Um, he is a religious, dedicated Class, he is 45 years old. He's 5'11, 175 pounds, brown eyes, salt-and-pepper hair, pasty skin. He's not particularly bright, but he is wise. He is currently carrying a canister of pepper spray and a 40mm fragmentation grenade. He has knowledge of current events, history, and theology. He's a certified public accountant and is skilled in tax preparation. He is also carrying a bottle of holy water, and he's headed to this location in Canada to bless the opening of a museum there. Yeah, other than that, not much particularly notable. He speaks Latin.

All right, let's see, Doug, how about you go?

All right, my character's name's Greybeard. He is a Tough class homeless criminal, age 52, male, Uh, 6'3, 195 pounds, and his eyes are red and his hair's, uh, his hair should actually be gray. I actually, I should update that.

His name's Greybeard, his hair's red.

You said his hair is black.

Yeah, by accident. That is, that was, that was before I actually made the concept, but I'll update that. Um, and yeah, he's got like, it should be like wrinkly skin actually. But, uh, and then he's pretty even across the board, but his background is he just goes from town to town, has such a crazy history. but he can't remember half of it, and including his, his original birth name, he has no idea. So he just goes by the name Greybeard, and he's wandering now. And where are we? What is this?

You guys are currently in Newark International Airport.

Yeah, so, and the guys at Sparrow have made a liking with him, so he's been able to get some free food, so that's why he's sticking around.

Wait, so is skin used for an adjective? Like, could I put like blotchy skin or like Freckled?

Yeah, like descriptive term.

Oh, I thought it was just color.

Well, you can do that too. I mean, you can get basic, but you can also describe their physical features if you want. I know Matt had previously described this character as looking like an older Jeff Goldblum.

So yeah, he also has, you know, a little bit of Jeff Goldblum's voice, a little bit nasally, a little, little sort of a little nasally.

He contradicts himself in his stand-up routines. Alright, um, Brendan, why don't you go then?

Alright, um, I'm a huge fan of The Walking Dead comic and show, so I wanted to pay homage to one of my favorite characters from it, Rick Grimes. So my character's name is Sick Grimes. He grew up in the early '80s to like late '90s, prime time when hip-hop and rap was big, and he grew out of it a little bit and became a state trooper. But now he has a nervous twitch where anytime he starts panicking a little bit, he just starts speaking in rhymes and he can't control himself. It's like a lyrical Tourette's of some sorts.

That is a convention that I will hold you to. I'm looking forward to this so much. I plan to. You better have a novel written up of just pure, pure rhymes.

We can put together a compilation of sickest rhymes by Sick Rhymes and Put it in the Almost Better Than Dragons merch store or something like that.

The sick rhymes of sick rhymes.

Alright, uh, Dubs, it's your turn for, uh, character introductions.

Alright, uh, my character is a 24-year-old male from Alaska. Name is Tyler Drexton, and he's been, uh, living up there doing the whole, uh, taxidermy. Goes around shooting animals, stuffing them, selling them for huge profits because Crazy-centric people like stuffed bears in their houses. But that's pretty much all he does. He likes to go to gun shows, taxidermy conventions. Of course, taxidermy conventions have to exist. There's a convention for everything. But that's really about it. He spends a lot of time in the wild, in Alaska, shooting stuff.

All right, so that's all of our characters that we have for this this campaign, this little adventure. And what characters they are. Yes, we're gonna have a fun time with this ragtag bunch. Um, alright, so let me paint the scene for you guys. You guys know about the events in Prince George. You know there was a small town in Canada that got nuked because the government fucked up. And, uh, You guys are, for whatever reason, in Newark International Airport. Doug's homeless. Well, or should I say Greybeard? We're gonna try to stick to the character names.

Yeah.

Um, so Greybeard's homeless. The Reverend is there because he has his stuff he's got to do in Canada, his blessing. Actually, Tyler, Why were you going— why were you flying through Canada? Where's your ultimate destination? Are you going home?

Yeah, yeah, I'd be going home.

Alright, so you're going home from a convention of some sort?

Yeah, I was at my taxidermy gun show in New York City.

Okay. In New York City?

Of course.

Alright, cool.

What kind of taxidermy do they have in New York City? That scares me a little.

It's the croc— they hunt crocodiles in the sewer. Alligators. And Sick Rhymes, what are you doing flying to Canada or taking a connecting flight through Canada? Are you visiting somewhere?

I'm actually going there for sensitivity training. I got sent there from work, and they're hoping that I will no longer assume that all Canadians are just poor stereotypes of Mounties and maple syrup drinking lumberjacks, and that I'll stop making borderline offensive jokes. To my borderline, uh, coworkers.

Yes.

All right. Well, um, the, that's good. We're going to a small town in Canada called Churchill, Canada. It's actually in Mani— the Manitoba province. And, um, it's right on the Hudson Bay, um, in northern Canada. So it's cold there. It's chilly. You guys probably have winter coats with you, some sort of winter clothing with you. And, um, So you guys are in the airport getting ready to get on your plane. Um, Graybeard, what are you doing right now in the airport?

That's what I was gonna say. I was— I'm like, I don't have a ticket or anything, so I'm thinking to myself, I need to start fresh. I'm gonna do something wild. And I see a perfect opportunity. One of the guys, uh, with the luggage, like, machines, uh, like one of the luggage, uh, vehicles just left it unattended. So I just decide to sneak, like sneak in one of the bags pretty much. I just empty it and then get in.

All right, um, I don't know if I should have you roll a d20 to see if you manage that sneak. Um, I'll just say you do because, you know, people that work at the airport aren't really that crazy attentive.

They are, but I'm just saying I've led a life, a long life of being sneaky, so it's in my favor.

I'll give you— I'll give you this one because, you know, story and stuff. So you sneak into some luggage and, uh, you guys probably— probably one of you probably glimpses some weird old guy sneak into a bag and just— you just see this bag on a conveyor like wiggling around.

I'm very non inconspicuous. That's the word.

So are we just not gonna hear from Greybeard for like the rest of the first episode, or is this gonna be like really fast play?

What do you think about this, Greybeard?

Dude, I'm just gonna.

I don't know. I'll have some kind of opiate that I took for the ride to just take me.

Yes, Doug is.

Greybeard is also a heroin addict. He's some sort of addict. He does a lot of drugs.

He's done them all.

So you guys might have a little issue, actually.

Sick Rhymes does not approve of this. It is against the law.

I know, but you're gonna be my best friend by the time this is over.

Alright, so you guys are in line for the plane. I'm assuming Tyler's purchased weapons and such, but those have been checked and they're Tucked firmly under the plane. And as you're looking out on the tarmac, you see a bag going up the tarmac, the tarmac little belt, and it's the belt that they load the plane with. And you just see it wiggling around a little bit.

Does it have a little beard sticking out of it?

You can see a little piece of beard sticking out through the zipper as it's blowing in the wind. And, and then you see it just get chucked into the plane.

It was a tight squeeze.

You see the one guy like grabbing his shoulder after he throws it, like, what the fuck was in there? And, um, and then, uh, you guys are told to board your plane. The attendant takes your tickets and you guys go down your little, uh, ramp into the plane. Um, let's see, uh, Sick Rhymes and the Reverend are probably in Or, uh, in, um, commercial class.

Can I, can I roll to see whether, uh, there's any empty seats in first class?

Uh, yeah, sure.

What kind of dice do you have to roll for that?

Uh, most standard rolls are d20.

Okay.

Yeah, I rolled a 7.

Are you trying to sneak into first class?

Well, I was gonna try to sneak in, and if the flight attendant sort of caught me, I would I would ask to see if I could, like, purchase the upgrade to first class legitimately.

You, uh, you kind of see some—

some—

you see, like, the top of a few seats, but you don't know if there's children sitting in them or not. So you're not entirely sure if they're open seats.

Hey, can I roll to do something? Once I'm in there and the plane's, like, closed up, can I, like, just go through all the bags and then just, like, build, like, a bird's nest of clothes and get all bundled up?

Um, yeah, sure, why not?

I'm gonna roll a d20 of not dying and freezing to death in an airplane storage unit.

All right, no, it's—

we already had this discussion. It's possible.

I'm gonna call this a survival, a survival roll, so you get a +1 to that. I'm looking at your character sheet.

Yes, sweet. All right, one sec, I'm getting to the roll here.

I read that issue of Spider-Man. He totally snuck into a plane.

Oh, fuck.

All right, um, Let's see.

I guess I can't. I'm just stuck in my bag the whole time.

I can't even get out. You, um, you managed to get your zipper open on the bag a little bit, but it gets caught in your beard. And, um, and you can only get your head out, but it's like kind of stuck in the zipper.

God damn it.

So you're kind of just like a sack with a head sticking out of it.

Goddammit. That was the worst roll of my life.

Oh, I'm sure we'll have plenty worse rolls.

Oh no, there's gonna be some 1s, I assume. Um, so yeah, so you're just down in the plane and then the camera pans up through the bottom of the plane and everyone's kind of sitting in the plane oblivious to what's happening below them, the plight of their, their homeless stowaway. Let me, uh, let me roll to see what in-flight movie you guys are watching.

Biodome, biodome, biodome, biodome.

Um, national treasure.

You guys are watching Independence Day.

Awesome.

Um, could be worse, could be worse.

Yeah, it could be better, it could be worse, a little bit in the middle. Um, you guys are watching Independence Day on your flight because the flight's probably gonna take a while. Uh, let's, let's actually check into that and see how much, how much is Do you guys have anything with you to preoccupy yourselves on the flight?

I, uh, have a bottle of holy water. I could start like blessing people and stuff. Um, I've got like— I've got the holy hand grenade. Um, I probably don't want to use that on a plane. Uh, I've, I've got my, uh, I've got my canister of pepper spray.

I could, I could maybe like targeted at somebody in first class and use it to try to like steal their seat.

You're a terrible reverend.

Uh, yeah, well, one of the flight attendants sees you take out your pepper spray.

You—

that's not even rollable. They see you take out the pepper spray and they walk up and say, why do you have pepper spray on this flight? What are you doing?

Does Sick Rhymes see that he has pepper spray? Am I gonna have to cuff a Reverend to the seat?

Well, it depends.

Say it's fucking mouthwash or whatever, like, or like, dude, what's that good stuff that you spray in your mouth to like get all—

Breath spray?

Oh, like Tanaka? Yeah.

Yeah, it's just some really powerful breath spray.

Okay, uh, would a priest lie?

Come on.

Roll a d20. Roll a d20 to see if you convince the flight attendant.

It's the bluff skill.

Yeah, yeah, bluff. 18.

Oh man, you lucky bastard. I wanted him to blow some fucking pepper spray in his own mouth.

Yeah, you convince her. Yeah, she's like, all right, whatever, I believe it. Just don't pull it out again. Try to keep it in your pocket or something. Don't let people see it because they're gonna ask questions and We're trying to keep this civilized.

Quite a gullible flight attendant.

For unexplained reasons, I've been in a room where someone sprayed pepper spray, and it is horrific. Like, you would immediately know what it is.

God, that sounds terrifying.

What is that smell?

Oh my God! And then everyone's running out.

Oh, it just hits you in the throat and the eyes, even if you don't get touched with it.

Yeah, that sounds fucked up.

All right, well, your plane is getting ready to taxi and—

Oh my God, we haven't even left the runway. I thought we were like halfway there.

I thought we were like 10,000 feet at least.

Your, your plane is pulling into taxi position and, uh, you guys are starting up down the runway. There's, um, roll perception. Let's see, do we got perception? You guys got perception checks? I haven't.

Not in this one.

Uh, we'll just say they have a perception check. We'll just— they, they roll, but just roll. Everyone roll a d20. I'll just make up a fake perception, perception skill.

Yeah, no, my dice.

Fuck.

All right, Doug, well, you're under the plane, so that makes perfect sense.

My first one, goddammit.

Alright, um, I don't have my keyboard right now, so I'll use actual dice.

That's what I'm using too.

4.

Alright, um, you're kind of just like twiddling your thumbs and just getting ready for the flight, maybe, uh, trying to pop your ears or something.

Is there any way I could— Sick Rhymes could be trying to flirt with the flight attendant to score me a few free drinks? Just by, you know, Vacation.

Yeah, you could be doing that. You could be attempting that.

So, was that a charisma check?

Uh, let's see what that is. I'll just say you're doing that.

Yeah.

You're just talking to her, you're chatting her up. She's kind of whatevering, 'cause I mean, flight attendants. We just offended our entire flight attendant audience.

New name of the podcast, Fuck Our Fans.

And you can see she's kind of— she's kind of, uh, digging your, digging your authoritative vibe, and, uh, you think she'll give you an extra drink or 2 on the flight.

Hell yeah.

That's cool.

Um, what are, what are the, uh, Tyler and the Reverend, what did you guys roll?

I got an 8.

What'd you get?

8.

You guys both got 8s? All right, well, you guys kind of see, because I guess I have to because everyone rolled incredibly low, You guys kind of see through— you guys have— we'll say you guys have window seats. You guys see a disturbance through the window in the airport and you hear your captain coming on. He's like, Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing some disturbances inside the airport. So we've been told just to take off and just get out of here. We're already in the middle of taking off, so we're just gonna go on with this. You guys see sort of like windows breaking in the airport and sort of people just kind of flooding out into the tarmac as you're taking off out into the runway. And you guys take off to like basically the vision of the airport catching on fire. And so you can see other people in the planes. panicking a little bit, like, what's going on?

What the hell?

And, uh—

I stand up, I get out, I sort of turn around and face the rest of the plane. I say, let's all join in prayer for those on the ground.

And, um, they seem— the passengers are like, oh yeah, I guess that sounds okay.

And I raise my hand and say, can we join in prayer for us? Because we'll have to land eventually.

The passengers then kind of look a little more disturbed. They But they, they agree to pray and everyone bows their heads. We bow our heads in prayer. Our Father who art in heaven, and I continue. I'm not gonna say the whole prayer. And then all the torches blew up.

Woohoo!

Um, all right, uh, the— they calm down a little bit. Everyone kind of just, um, they hope it's just an isolated incident and, uh, they kind of relax back. They're a little worried about any like family and relatives they may have left behind in the airport, but they know that they won't be able to find out until they land.

Are we in the area yet?

In the area? Area?

No, I mean in the air yet.

Are we in the air yet?

Oh yes, yes, you guys are in the air.

You guys took off.

If there's even slight turbulence, can it help me like wiggle a little bit further out of the bag?

Um, you can actually, uh, by the time the movie's over, you can perform another Okay, cool. So, uh, like 2 hours later, you guys are watching— watch— watching— you guys are watching the end of Independence Day and the president, uh, was, uh, Pullman, give his speech and, uh, dropping his famous Independence Day line.

And then, um, you wanna know something funny? IRL, my dad was neighbors with that guy growing up.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

And then Sick Rhymes says, that movie sucks, it could be worse, we could be lying down in a hearse.

Alright. So we know Sick Rhymes—

I'm gonna be doing a lot of these rhymes, they're not all gonna be amazing.

Okay.

Just gonna get those out now.

Um, why, 'cause you were nervous on the flight?

Well, I'm sorry, I saw an airport burst into flames and everyone raging in flames. I'm a little paranoid, yeah.

Well, so let's bear in mind, Doug at this point has no idea what's going on.

Oh no, yeah, really, I have no idea.

He actually, he heard some— he might have been able to hear a little bit of like the fiery explosion that erupted from the airport.

Mmm, and actually, you might be mistaken. Maybe I knew this was coming all along and that's why I got on this plane.

Listen, you can't go and retcon that kind of thing.

It's only episode 1 and we're already trying to fix the backstory. You have, what, 10 minutes?

You're right.

Um, all right, so the movie ends and Graybeard rolls again to try to get out of that suitcase before they hit super crazy cold temperatures as they go through the Earth. All right, you get out of the suitcase and you manage to scavenge together a bunch of layers, including a really sexy, like, fur— not really a fur coat, but like a nice winter coat with like a with a solid liner on it, and you're ready to snuggle in for the long haul. It's actually a 14-hour flight. Um, holy shit, from, uh, from Newark to Churchill.

Um, Graybeard rolled a d20, by the way, or a 20 or 18.

Yeah, he rolled an 18.

Um, yeah, thanks. We have to, yeah, keep the listeners posted on what happens because—

Okay, um, so he He, uh, he snuggles in and he, um, he's ready. And the last, the last sight, the, the— if there was a camera there, the last sight it would be would be him laying down for like a winter's nap, just snuggling into all this luggage. And, uh, and then it pans up back into the plane and everyone's kind of— everyone's dozing, or some people have headphones on.

I've gotten around the rosary 3 times.

Yes, and there is another movie getting ready to start, but first there is going to be a— there's going to be a meal first. They're, they're handing out dinners or lunches, whichever you prefer, and the choices are fish, chicken, or beef.

Hmm, do we have to roll to see whether there's any left by the time they get to our row?

Um, no.

Is it that packed?

Nah, it's, it's a full flight, but it's not a big plane. It's a mid— it's a mid-level, uh, jet, so it's not too big. There's, you— there's like, um, 3 seats on each side, so there's no, there's no center aisle like in a 747. There's no center row. Okay, so, um, yeah, so you guys can just pick whatever you want for to eat.

Could Scotch be a meal? Could I get Scotch?

You request Scotch from that, uh, that ditzy flight attendant that you were talking to, and she's like, oh yeah, sure. And she just brings you a couple bottles of the plane— the airplane Scotch.

Bottles? Jesus Christ.

And by bottles, you know what, you know what they give you on an airplane, the tiny—

Oh, okay.

The tiny little Scotch.

The hotel bottles. Okay.

Yeah, so she brings you a cup and some of that with some ice in it.

in it.

Oh, can I roll to see if, like, as I scavenge through all the bags, if I find some, like, fancy wine bottle or something that someone was bringing with them?

Yeah, sure, you can roll for that.

You're rooting through people's luggage now?

Of course, why not?

14.

All right, um, you don't— you don't find super fancy wine, but you do find a couple boxes of wine that people were smuggling Hell yeah, I'll take it. All right, so you're drinking directly out of boxed wine.

Yes, I'm getting tipsy and getting nice and warm.

All right, uh, we've all done it at some point. So what is Tyler doing right now? I believe Tyler's in first class because he has considerable money.

Yeah, um, I'm probably ordering some nice, nice steak for the first class.

They get you a— they bring you like a— I don't know how they make it, but they bring you a T-bone.

Well, it's probably just microwaved. It's just already prepped and you just microwave it.

Yeah. It's freeze-dried of some sort. Yeah.

Not getting like a nice medium steak. It's probably like completely brown, but it's a steak. Yeah.

It's a little tough to eat, but you enjoy it.

Yeah. Gotta gnaw on it for a while. But just eating.

I like that we're about 15 minutes into this playthrough and Half of our party's already trying to get hammered.

We're on an airplane, man.

I mean, I'm on vacation.

Uh, let's see. The Reverend, what are you getting? What are you doing right now? What are you getting? You just finished watching the immaculate movie Independence Day.

Is there any vegetarian option?

You notice a striking— most people on the plane notice a striking similarity between you and one of the characters in the movie, actually.

Will Smith? Is it Will Smith?

He looks like Will Smith. It's Jeff Goldblum, maybe? Jeff Goldblum's character. They notice a striking similarity, like, isn't that— and they keep pointing back and forth and they go, nah, and they just sit back down.

Not quite.

They kind of sit back in their seat like, oh, whatever.

Hide behind your Skyball.

And so what are you doing then, Reverend?

I'm asking whether there's a vegetarian option.

They say, yes, we kind of just like Use the fish one, but we take the fish out of the thing, so it's just the vegetables that come with it.

Mm-hmm.

I'll have the fish option then.

Okay, do you want the fish removed?

Just leave it in there. I'll remove it myself.

Okay, they cook you up the fish one. It's just like carrots and— carrots and peas and just random, random mishmash vegetables, like standard collection vegetables.

I tell them to have a blessed day.

Uh, they kind of look at you weird and smile and then go back to whatever they're doing. Uh, whatever flight attendants do. Probably showing people how to buckle their seatbelts 2 hours into the flight.

Um, just holding it up. Hey, remember this, huh? Right?

Oh yep, click click.

There you go.

Clicking her ticket.

Any questions, I'm right here.

Um, and then they sit back down in their seat usually and they stare awkwardly at the The people flying, um, unblinkingly just staring at you. Uh, let's see, I'm gonna do an evil— an evil check here.

What's this mean?

Ah, yes, there are— you notice there are 2 babies on the plane.

Oh God.

And, uh, great. And, um, not in first class though. Uh, there is— there are no babies in first class. Um, unwritten rule.

Can that be our tagline?

You notice— but first class, you do notice that there's a boy sitting by himself. He looks kind of alone. He's, uh, he's wearing a blue blazer with a white turtleneck, and he has blonde hair that's combed to the side. He looks just very sad. He's by himself, and he looks out of place because he's wearing very high-priced clothing. Even in first class, he looks out of place. And, uh, he's kind of sad, but then he pulls out a wad of cash and starts counting it, so he gets a little happier.

Is Richie rich on this flight?

Maybe.

That is the most interesting character.

Um, so, uh, yeah, there are— I mean, you can hear, you can hear the babies crying from first class, so you're like, just kind of sigh and put headphones on.

What about from down below? I don't have to deal with that, do I?

Oh no, you can't hear anything besides the rushing sound of wind at the bottom of the plane.

Well, which is pretty soothing. It's like, should I just sleep through this or what's going on?

Um, that depends how long you're gonna sleep.

Yeah, uh, that's like— this is a 14-hour— yeah, I'll like at least half of it.

You're gonna be drunk so anyway, so it's not gonna—

you're gonna be in a nice tranquil re-hibernation.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm like, yeah, he's, he's bundled up in enough stuff that he'll be all right. So how do you guys respond to these babies crying?

Can I drink it away like all my other problems?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Yeah, alcoholism.

You notice the flight attendant is, uh, she walks by every couple minutes, and by every couple minutes I mean like every like half an hour or so, and just like slips another scotch onto your, onto your folding tray.

I was like, thanks, baby.

OK. Seriously, I'm thinking she's probably getting less and less attracted to you.

She's, uh— But she's pumping more and more into me.

She smirks, uh, because you're getting so intoxicated. You find out her name is Leslie.

'Cause she's an alcoholic, too.

This is her in-flight movie. She's watching me.

Yeah, you think she may or may not have a, uh— have a desire to watch people get drunk, 'cause she thinks they act funny when they're drunk.

It's true.

The Reverend, what are you gonna do about this baby? These babies? These 2 babies that are crying?

I mean, I'm inclined to sort of pray silently. I'm curious whether I can use my skill in crafting pharmaceuticals to somehow help out here. I don't know whether it— potentially I could like ask for some like Tylenol or something and like make my own like homemade children's Tylenol using like stuff from the plane. I don't know, you know, is that like a thing?

Make some pepper spray right now.

Just mix a little pepper spray in there.

Goddamn it.

Jesus.

Yeah, you should have to roll it because if you lose, then you, you just pepper spray the babies.

But I don't want to pepper spray the baby. This is a— I think it's a single-use pepper spray, so I'm— I don't want to use it A single use?

What if you miss?

So you can roll a pharmaceutical if you want and see if you can make something for them.

All right.

Uh, it's like Guyver, it's like I get this tiny bag of peanuts, some dental floss, and a small bottle of mouthwash.

I roll a 17. Oh my god, he's—

okay, um, plus, uh, plus the 2 bonus you have to your pharmaceutical, uh, rolls, so you You managed to whip up like a little— you ask the flight attendant to bring you some milk and a little bit of the scotch from— that they're drinking.

Give me my scotch!

And not that Rick— that Rick— not Rick, that Sick Rhymes is drinking, but she brings you a separate bottle of— she'll bring you like a little whiskey or something.

Nice.

And you just whip up a little Put a little bit of my holy water in there. Yeah, you put a little holy water just in case, just for a little precautionary measure in case there are any demons in them. And you offer it to the parents. They thank you, but they kind of look at you weird, like, what the hell? They, uh— you don't know if the parents give it to their kids, but the kids stop crying eventually, as small babies do. You don't know if they actually gave it to them though, because who knows? They, they're probably not trustful of random reverends that give them homemade—

The random priest that you, you see.

Homemade formula.

Here's a little Jesus juice for you, son.

Um, you do, you do notice one of the parents mentioned to a flight attendant what happened, and then one of the flight attendants is just staring you down. You don't wanna watch this one.

In a good way or in a bad way?

In a bad way.

OK.

Like, very specifically.

Just want to be clear.

Yeah, like, why not?

When has being watched ever been a good thing?

Um, all right, well, let me roll and see what, what other, uh, what other movie gets played after dinner.

Oh God.

Let's— oh God, you guys are watching, um, Troll 2.

Yes!

They put Troll 2 on. Oh, damn it. Followed immediately by, uh, The Room.

Oh, God. Wow.

So glad I'm drunk. You guys are— most of the people on the plane are a little, little disturbed. And, um, but they are laughing a little bit because they have heard, heard tale of these movies and how bad they are. So they're laughing. And, uh, you hear that the— it's, it's so bad that, um, you hear that they may or may not be thinking about putting on Last Holiday starring Queen Latifah. They think that might go over a little well, a little bad.

Is this what happens when you get a critical fail on Which Movie?

Yeah, you get 3 terribles in a row.

Oh geez.

So you guys are, you guys are in for a nice little treat for the next, I don't know, 8 hours, which should cover a good portion of what's left of your flight. Um, what do you guys do during these movies?

Sleep.

Uh, or at least you sleep.

Nap.

2 sleeps.

I think Sick Rhymes is occupying the bathroom for the last like 4 hours, like, being sick.

Um, the flight attendant's been knocking on it, the one that's been giving you alcohol, and, uh, she's a little worried. She's, uh, you can hear her saying through the door, don't tell anyone I gave you all that.

I said, hell with you, I'm gonna drag you down with me.

She's a little panicked. She kind of just is like prancing around outside the door a little bit, just like, just dancing, kind of. Not really dancing, but just walking back and forth, pacing. You guys are landing in Churchill. You guys just do whatever for the next couple hours of the flight after the movies end, they, you know, that they're not going to put another one on because they want everyone to have their faculties about them for when they land. You don't know what you're landing into either based on the terror that you saw when you guys took off from Newark.

Everyone, this is Matt. Thanks for listening. This is our first episode. We're very proud of it. We worked really hard to put this together and get it out to you. A lot of tender loving care because we love our viewers and we want the best for you guys. If you are interested, you can send us fan art to our Gmail account, [email protected], or you can send it to us on our Tumblr, which is where it will appear, at almostbetterthandragons.tumblr.com. If you enjoyed the show, we would ask that you go and if you listen on iTunes, leave us a review, subscribe. It really does help. It really does make a difference for small shows like ours. We don't have sponsors, and so we can't really promote it as much as some of the larger podcasts out there. If you found us through some other means, definitely subscribe or leave a like or any other sort of way that you can to help share or promote the show. Every little bit helps. Every share, every friend that you tell, it really does make a difference. And we really do appreciate it. And we love all of our listeners, every last one of you, even Siobhan. And so, yeah, thanks again for listening and look forward to episode 2 coming next week.

Bye.